I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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