Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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