brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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