We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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