I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
