I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
