Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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