I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
