i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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