I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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