there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
