i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
