as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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