I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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