JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
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Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
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Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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