Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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