this beer tastes like vomit already
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
