It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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