I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
