I cut my penus on the lid.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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