Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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