I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
