I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
