I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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