your thong is hanging out like whoa
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
