the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
