Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
