I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
