Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
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Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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