Why are handjobs necessary in class?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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