Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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