i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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