What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
