Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
