just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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