We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
