awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
