I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
