then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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