I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
