Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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