I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
