So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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