Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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