i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
