dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
