Texts From Last Night

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  (917): View more from New York City

  I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!

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  (917): I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time! http://tfl.nu/fe3b
  Replies (18) Good night (3119) Bad night (715)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

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  (604): My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't. http://tfl.nu/nrau
  Replies (13) Good night (1664) Bad night (3947)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning

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  (203): im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning http://tfl.nu/g6xa
  Replies (16) Good night (4159) Bad night (1438)
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  (661): View more from California

  i wish semen tasted like chocolate

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  (661): i wish semen tasted like chocolate http://tfl.nu/nknz
  Replies (61) Good night (8199) Bad night (1237)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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  (908): when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave. http://tfl.nu/35vg
  Replies (26) Good night (1713) Bad night (6460)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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  (402): In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck. http://tfl.nu/gl2y
  Replies (7) Good night (3423) Bad night (1395)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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  (615): Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify. http://tfl.nu/zod7
  Replies (6) Good night (4334) Bad night (1296)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."

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  (864): You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor." http://tfl.nu/jk5x
  Replies (9) Good night (3358) Bad night (772)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.

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  (512): So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands. http://tfl.nu/oa75
  Replies (6) Good night (1486) Bad night (771)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..

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  (217): The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car.. http://tfl.nu/pl9j
  Replies (7) Good night (768) Bad night (1210)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them

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  (704): Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them http://tfl.nu/4k2w
  Replies (5) Good night (1971) Bad night (543)
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  (585): View more from New York

  Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump

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  (585): Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump http://tfl.nu/n5lk
  Replies (1) Good night (512) Bad night (365)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose

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  (+61): Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose http://tfl.nu/qf33
  Replies (2) Good night (359) Bad night (380)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.

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  (740): His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music. http://tfl.nu/myg1
  Replies (1) Good night (539) Bad night (220)
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis

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  (631): Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis http://tfl.nu/3mfb
  Replies (1) Good night (522) Bad night (207)

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