Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
