her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This is classic penis vs brain.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
