I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
