I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
