She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
