Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
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we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
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You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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