I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
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