Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
