I'm gonna have a badass scar
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you had me at cake vodka
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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