You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
